


How do I fight them when they're inside of me?

by fluffycottonfelix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Blood and Injury, Drama, Fluff and Angst, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, M/M, Mentions of Claustrophobia, PTSD, Past Tense, Psychological, Time Skips, Trauma, Weird Plot Shit, hyunjin has a special ability, mentions of gun shots, plot heavy, seungmin is a cop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:56:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27645821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffycottonfelix/pseuds/fluffycottonfelix
Summary: Seungmin was an inspector who was suffering from nightmares which he always had and hid. His line of work required him to be fearless to brave whatever dangers and threats that came his way for the sake of protecting others.He did a great job in protecting citizens despite trembling in something he never wanted to admit he had but little did he knew, he was constantly in a state of denial.So, someone had to walk into his dreams and wake him up. Literally.update (chap 4 is just me explaining so you dont have to read if u dont want to uwu)
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 40





	1. All I see was red

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!! Thank you for sending kudos to my previous works but I still don't think I deserve it :'' Anyways lets jump on some trigger warnings (in case you missed the tags):  
> There'll be clear and direct mentions of blood, gun-shots, claustrophobia, and trauma. 
> 
> I may not be that good at detailing but if you're uncomfortable, you can skip.
> 
> This is fluffycottonfelix's experimentation on a new genre. It may or may not fail, you can decide!（☆ω☆*）

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungmin was a millisecond too late before pulling his trigger.

**S** eungmin clutched his gun tightly as he hid in one of the abandoned shops. The concrete walls were moldy and vandalized with “Freedom is ours!” in bold fonts from red spray paints. Rusted metal rods sticking out at random places as some parts of the walls were torn down, engulfed by age. The musty air mixed with the pungent scent of the many creatures that had died in this very building that Seungmin had to use every strength in him not to gag. In this state of his, even the subtlest sound can give him away. He plastered himself on the wall, the dried paint cracked on to his leather jacket. He peeked out his forehead warily and began to scrutinize the area. It had gone far too quiet ever since he went into hiding to reload his bullets.

And usually too quiet, was not good news.

These people – the criminals whom Seungmin and his team had been hunting down for the past 2 years – are not the usual criminals that they have encountered before. They were all highly skilled in both short-ranged and long-ranged shooting and were supplied with high-end weapons by someone deemed to be their leader. Taking that into consideration, two divisions from the national police department had been dispatched to ‘wipe out’ the old dilapidated shopping mall.

Two divisions which consisted of 15 people now had only 5 left, including Seungmin. The others were already shot and killed. Bearing the title of the inspector and the leader of his own division, he shouldered the most responsibility and the heaviest guilt among all of the survived ones. The higher-ups had ordered all of them to retract and abort the mission, yet Seungmin stayed and willed himself to bite the bullet. He needed to at least bring one of them into custody and only then he’ll be able to put his fallen comrades to rest. Their deaths won’t be in vain.

Amidst the silence, he heard a voice. It was neither close nor was it too far but no figure got caught in his limited field of vision. He immediately retreated his head back in, putting one foot on the threshold. He set his gun in his grip upright, on standby.

  
“Where are your friends?” the voice echoed in the empty mall, reverberated as it reached every part of the building and into Seungmin’s ears. His eyes perked, alert. Then he heard a cackle. Seungmin bit his lower lip hard until he tasted the iron in his tongue, to keep himself sane. It’s now or never.

  
He finally stepped out of the threshold and aimed his gun towards the heart of the lowest floor of the mall. He was expecting someone to stand there, laughing at the poorly concealed terror in his face. From where he heard the voice, he mentally did some math. When it comes to math, he was never wrong. But a human being can predict so much and-

  
“Found you.” The clarity in the other’s voice caused Seungmin ‘s insides to flip. His answer was wrong.

  
Yet they can still miscalculate.

  
**_BANG!_ **

  
The trigger was pulled but he was a millisecond too late before pulling his. Seungmin kissed the floor, his eyes fluttered shut in his own pool of crimson. It felt numb and agonizing at the same time.

The reality was not how it was depicted in crime action movies where the heroes somehow gained invincibility and eventually pulled through despite getting shot or stabbed. He was clearly not the least bit invincible and his pain tolerance was the weakest to compare with every single skill and knowledge he had. All that he could do was writhing in pain as he placed a hand on the spot where the bullet penetrated through his skin.

“One can simply expect so much, yet they are unbeknown of what lies in the future. With that, their bravado led them to their own demise.” was what Seungmin heard the voice said before he had lost his sensory altogether.

  
-=-

_Beep_

_“Quick! To the emergency room!”_

_Beep_

_“He lost too much blood! His vitals are dropping!”_

_Beep…_

_“We’re going to bring him back!”_

_Beep…_

_Beep…_

_“Clear! 1…2…3… Shock!”_

_Beep…_

_Beep…_

_…_

_.._

_._


	2. Am I hallucinating or am I dead?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungmin 'woke up' but to what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // mentions of hallucinations

**S** eungmin slowly lifted his eyelids. He squinted as soon as the bright light got into his eyes, blurring his vision.

“Seungmin, are you listening?” he heard a voice, it sounded familiar yet so foreign at the same time. He tilted his head to one side and stared blankly at the lavender-haired male sitting across him.

He remembered up to a level where he got shot, a memory that couldn’t leave his head. Everything else, even how he got _here_ , in this café with someone whom he had never seen before, came to him in a blur whenever he tried to remember. He fumbled in his empty head, finding that piece of memory that could give him a clue to how he ended up being _here._

Seungmin blinked twice, trying to register everything at once. “Hi, who are you?” He ended up blurting out, in which he received the other male’s concerned look in response.

“Don’t tell me…” the lavender-haired male, probably not much older than Seungmin was, softly gripped Seungmin’s arm. “It came back?”

“What came back?” Seungmin asked the latter, he didn’t try to hide the quizzical look on his face. “I’m sorry, but who are you-“

Suddenly, he got pulled into an embrace. His face buried in the latter’s knitted sweater, which smelled like freshly picked flowers. The latter caressed Seungmin’s head as if he was a precious glass doll from an antique store. In the heat of the moment, he couldn’t lift his arms to do anything. He was even more puzzled, indeed.

“Do you still have those nightmares?” Seungmin could hear the subtle waver in the latter’s deep voice, lacing with sympathy and hesitancy. He let out a sigh before he muttered something that was barely coherent but Seungmin could make out some words. “The…shoot…”

The latter tried his best not to even mention that day, as not to trigger the memory. Little did he knew, Seungmin was a bit unaffected by the slight mention. In fact, he nodded rather too enthusiastically. Because the sound of the bullet piercing into his skin and him landing in his own pool of blood was the only thing that occupied his head, nothing else.

“I’m so sorry, Seungmin. I promise you that it won’t happen again. You’re safe now. We all are.” The latter tightened his hug on Seungmin and began to sob.

Seungmin could hardly breathe and the trauma did somehow left him in a daze. The strong floral scent of Felix calmed him down as he slowly returned to his senses. Felix, being Felix, was the type to always comfort people around him. The happy pill that everybody needed. How he dealt with criminals...let's not go there, shall we?

“I’m Felix, by the way.” The deep-voiced male finally said as he eventually let go. A weak smile plastered on his face. He brought a hand to his forehead, saluting. “Your junior.”

Seungmin suddenly recalled back to one of the busy, mundane days in the division 1 office. There was someone, with fuzzy lavender hair that sat beside him and they always partnered together when it came to solving cases or just anything. The other male joined in their division a year later than him, and he insisted on calling Seungmin his senior because of his quick wits and his wisdom, despite them being at the same age and trained at the same year.

 _Inspector Lee Felix_. How did he slip from his memory?

“Sorry, Felix. I think I got a little bit too—“ Seungmin shot an apologetic smile. “… _distracted_.”

Felix, who was taking a sip of his warm milk, only shook his head. He carefully set his mug down. “I think you need to see Dr. Hwang.”

“Dr. Hwang…?” The name gave off an unpleasant aftertaste on the tip of Seungmin’s tongue, but he was unsure why. The name didn’t ring any bell and he had no recollection of meeting any doctors, other than the one he saw in the short glimpses on the day he was shot.

_BANG!_

The sound of the bullet, almost tearing his eardrums apart and flew straight into his abdomen. He could still feel the warm, painful sensation that took over his whole body. The energy in his body gradually drained out of him. All he saw was red, and a tall dark figure, shadowing over him after he had fallen. Seungmin suddenly clasped his hands on his ears. His hands moved on their own before he could control his movements. The scene flashed into his head, with the clearest sounds and the loud thudding of his heart. All he wanted was to block out all those noises.

 _“…Led to your own demise.”_ He heard the voice chanted again.

That particular noise. He didn’t want to acknowledge that he failed in his calculations and that if he was given another chance to be in that similar position, he won’t let that nasty and sinister grin of his shooter show itself before him.

“Seungmin!” he heard Felix calling out his name, trying to pull him back from falling into oblivion once again.

_“And that was why you couldn’t kill me.”_

Every customer in the café began to pin their eyes on them. Some even craned their necks to get a clearer view of what was going on. It wasn’t hectic but their murmurs died down immediately after Seungmin let out a loud shriek.

 _“How weak.”_ The voice cackled cynically in his head before leaving him in a stupor.

Felix rushed over to him, bringing his arms to wrap around the latter. The waiters and waitresses around tried to brush the attention off them, driving them away from Felix and Seungmin. Felix countlessly whispering, "I am here." in the latter's ears. The next moment Seungmin regained consciousness, everything around him was the color of pitch.

-=-

Seungmin opened his eyes again and this time, the first thing he welcomed into his sight was a set of baby blue painted walls surrounding him. It wasn’t actually, but something about the room made him felt claustrophobic and he knew too well he had to escape. Again, how he suddenly ended up here puzzled him. It was like he was leaping through his memories, a semblance to movies where the scene skips ever so often, to highlight the plots and the important details.

Nothing made sense anymore. He swore he was in a café just now with Felix, drinking milk and hugging before the trauma (he wasn’t in a state of trauma but he’ll call it that until he figured out what was going on) crashed on to him, like a black hole. It engulfed him whole; his memories included.

He let his eyes roam around the room and found out that there was only him in it. For _now._ Being a cop meant having all his sensory alert at all times, calmly assessing the situation he’s in. Seungmin didn’t have his gun with him, but his impressive hand-to-hand combat skills would suffice. He searched around the room for any possible weapons he could use to protect himself if things got uglier. He didn’t need a sixth sense to know that something about everything that’s going on with him is awry. Something’s amiss. But until Seungmin regained his maximum mental capacity to think properly again, he’ll try to survive.

The room was amazingly baby-proofed. The windows were barricaded with metal rods, but they were all painted in pastel colors and hid behind white frilly curtains. The corners of the coffee table and the large desk were rounded and the velvet couches were all nailed to the floor. There were no scissors, rulers, pens, or anything resembling a fine tip or stick in sight. As Seungmin exasperatedly plopped himself down on the plush velvet couch, he darted his eyes on the desk once again. There it was, a glass vase stood gloriously with a single rose with its stem immersed in a translucent liquid.

Seungmin’s lips pulled up into a sneaky smirk.

“Sorry for making you wait, oh God- "

The door creaked open to a young man with his eyes widened in panic and terror to the sight before him. The young man had fair skin and plump red lips, with long raven bangs tucked behind his ears. There was a pair of wire-rimmed glasses perched on to the bridge of his nose. Seungmin charged forward with the shard of glass in his grasp. His hand bled from the sharp shard grazing his palms.

The pain was only sourced from the sight of blood dripping from his palms, but he couldn’t feel the pain in his hands. In fact, he felt numb. His hypothesis was, maybe he held it too hard that it no longer brought physical pain to him. His eyes sent alarming signals to his brain, for him to stop and treat the wound. But that was all. There was no pain that made him winced or moaned. The agony was absent.

The young man only avoided Seungmin with a single step towards the wall, leading Seungmin to another wall, painting the baby blue wall with splotches of dark red.

The raven-haired man brought his fingers to his temples, massaging it. “I thought I changed the vase. Never mind that, Seungmin,” he stepped towards his desk. “Please drop that, you’re bleeding, darling.”

Seungmin turned around, and his hands trembled. How he knew his name was the least weird thing that occurred to him. He did see his hand bled but he was torn apart between giving in and protecting himself because the man before him didn’t look trustworthy in his eyes. He can imagine himself looking haggard with his tousled hair right then. The man’s eyes looked…bloodshot and terrifying hid behind a slick smile and a doctor’s coat.

“Who the fuck are you?” Seungmin brought the shard before him, stretched out his arm towards the young man, who was sitting behind the large desk which was quite distant from where he stood.

The young man smiled as he opened the drawer underneath his desk. “I’m Dr. Hwang Hyunjin, your psychiatrist. Let me just – ” As the doctor lifted his head once again, heaving a first aid kit box in his hands, he beamed.

“You’re bleeding.” He gestured Seungmin to come closer as he picked up a roll of bandages. “It’s okay, I’m not a bad person. I promise. If anything, there’re cameras in here.”

The word ‘cameras’ sent a jolt in Seungmin, causing him to drop the shard. He hastily looked around, and once he found the cameras planted at each corner of the ceiling, he stiffened. _‘Why hadn’t he realized the cameras?’_ he mused to himself.

Seungmin’s knees became wobbly and weak that he couldn’t support himself to stand properly anymore. He sat on the floor, staring blankly at the wooden floor before him. He had many questions but neither of them got answers. Everything was contradicting his logic by so much that he couldn’t differ what was real and what was just merely his hallucinations. _Had he gone insane? Or is this a dream? Or was he hallucinating?_

“Okay, maybe I’ll come to you after all.”

Seungmin shuffled the current events in his head. The café. Felix. The emergency room. The rundown mall. The bullet. Once he reached the last part, the core of what was left of the evocation, his breaths became uneven again.

 _“Led to your demise…weak…”_ it resonated in his head like a broken radio in an empty hall.

He didn’t realize that the doctor was treating his hand. Since he couldn’t feel pain, he didn’t wince as the antiseptics stung his torn skin. The wound was not deep, and he was fortunate that it didn’t require any stitches. Hyunjin noticed the rapid pulse of his patient, but he decided not to alarm him.

“Seungmin, you’re strong. You really are.” He suddenly said. Hyunjin’s calming voice, dripping with honey, stopped the noises in his head. The echoes dissipated into incoherent whispers until it was gone altogether. Seungmin finally felt like he could breathe again.

“Those are merely your thoughts. Never let your fear take over you.” The psychiatrist glued his eyes on the latter’s hand as he wraps a bandage around them. He tied a neat knot after wrapping it twice.

“Those demons will come back, but, darling…” Hyunjin places a hand over Seungmin’s puffy cheek before caressing it. “You’re stronger than them.”

Seungmin didn’t know why the peculiar doctor addressed him in such a way that it brought unnecessary fluster to him. His head was a mess and he didn’t know how he ended up in this hellish cycle after sacrificing his life for the nation. He was expecting his soul to be reborn in some way, so is this him in a new body, or was he still alive?

 _His memories shouldn’t be intact if he were to be reborn_. So, _if he hadn’t died yet, what state is he in? Is he even dead to begin with?_

The voices in his head which he tried his earnest to vanquish, faded into nothing once the young man with his beautiful features whispered into his ear. He was placed in a momentary bubble of tranquility as his honey dripping voice sweetened his eardrums. For the first time in days of suffering, he somehow found a cure and he was desperate and eager for it.

The young psychiatrist furrowed his eyebrows, perturbed by the silence his patient has been giving for quite some while. He didn’t move, but the rise and fall of the latter’s shoulders gave way to his doctor that he was breathing. He checked the latter’s pulse and then his digital watch.

His pulse somehow returned to normal.

“Seungmin, I-“ He brought a hand to Seungmin’s shoulder, gingerly as to not startle him. But he was the one who ended up getting startled.

“Hyunjin, help me. Please.” Seungmin suddenly faced him, locking their eyes together. He clasped his hands together and fervently begged. The desperation somewhat reflected in the latter’s eyes which seemed like it held nothing and everything at the same time that it caused uneasiness in Hyunjin.

“What is it, Seungmin?” 

The darkened vast universe in which Kim Seungmin had been entrapped brought him to an infinite loop of suffocating episodes that he had always wished to find a way out. But in the tunnel had no light promised for him at the other end like those stories his grandmother used to tell him. Happily ever after was nowhere near him.

“Save me.” was all that managed to escape his chapped lips before he passed out again.

-=-

“Hi, Seungmin.” The first thing he heard was Hyunjin greeting him softly and when he opened his eyes, he saw Hyunjin’s sweet smile.

“Hi.” He managed to say, feeling slightly perplexed but relieved to see a familiar face. The recent episode was him trying to kill the latter with a glass shard and begged him to save him a few minutes after. He shoved the memory right into the deepest part of his head, feeling slightly mortified.

They were no longer in the room with baby blue walls, but in a park instead. There wasn’t anybody around and it was quiet. It was peaceful and the only source of the sound was from Hyunjin humming to some random melodies and the birds chirping chorally. The cerulean sky was decorated with fluffy pristine white clouds which acted as a breathtaking background for the woolly red-green foliage. It was the serenity that Seungmin had always longed for, in which where his packed schedule disallowed him to be.

“How are you feeling?” Hyunjin asked between his hums as he glanced at Seungmin over his shoulder.

Seungmin leaned his back on the wooden bench they were sitting on. He could finally adjust to the abrupt time skips efficiently. “I feel amazing and I wished I brought my DSLR with me.”

The raven-haired male then stared at the sky, taking in the picturesque view. He then joined his index fingers with the thumbs from opposite hands, forming a rectangular frame. He lifted his ‘frame’ before his eyes, letting the foliage act as his subject. “A camera sounds nice but pictures appear better when they’re engraved in our hearts.” Hyunjin shut his left eye to get himself to focus.

“That sounds wise.” Seungmin mused as he exhaled heavily. “Why a park, though?” he asked, out of curiosity.

“Why?” Hyunjin ‘s hands fell onto his lap, his smile faltered into a small pout. “I think park dates are romantic.”

“Date…?”

A blush crept into Seungmin’s cheeks. A gush of wind blew past them, brushing their skin. Seungmin had always had his bangs down but the wind brushed them about and exposed his forehead. Hyunjin’s eyes glistened by the sight for a split second.

“If the sight before us is pretty, I think you’re prettier, Seungmin.” He grinned.

What he didn’t know was the strangely familiar psychiatrist was indeed a huge tease and he seemed like he was having fun with making Seungmin flustered.

Seungmin pursed his lips into a thin line. “Why do you always do _that_?”

The other male chuckled. “Do what? Flirt with you?”

“Y-yeah…I guess...” Seungmin hesitated yet he agreed to it anyway. He was one peculiar man, who abruptly came into his episodes out of nowhere and interrupted them each time.

“Isn’t it obvious, Seungmin?” Hyunjin rested his cheek on his palm, facing the brown-haired male who had a clear baffled look across his face. Seungmin fidgeted with his fingernails nervously, which made Hyunjin dismiss any thoughts resurfaced in his mind. He could notice the obvious red blush on the latter’s face and couldn’t help but smile.

This wasn’t the right time for anything. It never will be. The right time won’t ever come.

“Let’s get you home.”

-=-

This time it was normal. Hyunjin walked him home, there were no skips. He didn’t teleport himself to his house and the time didn’t change. It was normal and normal has become an abnormality in Seungmin’s current universe.

He stepped into his apartment, his eyes adjusting to the interiors and the faint light seeping through his thin curtains. He had small succulent plants lined up on 3 shelves beside him and between them were pictures of him and his family. He mentally noted to himself to visit his family later when he was finally out of the woods.

He grabbed one of the picture frames, a picture of him and his classmates in elementary school. He didn’t know why but the picture drew him to frame it and place it on the shelf as if it was just as important as the others. The elementary school year was nothing than just an insignificant phase of growth in his life. Maybe it was significant, but Seungmin wasn’t sure why.

He ran his fingers on the glass surface until it stopped to a smiling kid posing with a peace sign.

-=-

“Seungmin, open your eyes.”

A voice brought the light into the darkness that enveloped Seungmin. He glided towards the small crack of faint luminosity before gradually ‘waking up’.

He was then on the rooftop, sitting on a red checkered picnic blanket. His eyes darted on the half-eaten strawberry shortcakes and empty cans of cold-brewed coffees until it reached a tall figure lying on his back, his arms acted as a pillow. The tall man gazed at the night sky, dense with scattered stars as they glowed in unison.

It took Seungmin a good 30 seconds for him to recognize the man before him. “Hyunjin?”

“Oh, you opened your eyes.” He laughed breathily as he sat up. As he smiled widely, there were 3 crescent moons, mesmerizingly adorned the starry night sky.

“Where are we?” Seungmin asked. An unknown force somehow pulled him into Hyunjin’s beautiful pair of dark brown orbs, so his eyes stayed there. The latter ran a hand in his raven hair that almost surpassed his earlobes. The sight before Seungmin was too…ravishing that he didn’t realize he had parted his lips in awe.

Hyunjin only chuckled. “We’re at the rooftop of my clinic. Do you always lose yourself at random times?”

The question brought a burn to Seungmin’s cheeks. Of course, he realized, he’s a psychiatrist. Seungmin knew if he were to come up with a dumb reason or an excuse as to why he often slipped, the latter would see right through him. Trusting Hyunjin was clearly breaching Seungmin’s way of dealing with things but he clearly had no choice. After all, he literally begged for Hyunjin to save him.

“Yes.” Seungmin balled up his fists, crumpling the hem of his hoodie. “They’re like lapses. They come and go randomly. It's not particularly triggered by anything and I-“

“Are you sure, Seungmin?” Hyunjin tipped his head to one side. His question somehow intimidated Seungmin but Hyunjin’s tone was soft, too soft that Seungmin could feel himself melting in the cracks between the bricks. “No triggers?”

“Not anything that I recall.” Seungmin gulped. _‘Why does it felt like I’m being tested?’_ Seungmin thought to himself.

Hyunjin’s legs sprawled on the blanket before him. He licked his lips before suddenly crawling forward to Seungmin. He maneuvered around the unfinished cakes and empty cans which they decided to ditch because they have more pressing matters than snacking at the moment.

Seungmin could feel a warm rush flowing in his veins, creeping up to his neck and brushing the tip of his ears with red. Hyunjin sat before Seungmin, wrapping his legs around the latter.

“Look into my eyes, Seungmin, and only focus on my voice.” Hyunjin cupped Seungmin’s reddened face as he intently stared into the deepest part of Seungmin’s soul. “Only _my_ voice.” The word _‘my’_ was emphasized with the sternness that Seungmin couldn’t describe. In this position of theirs, he forfeited his ego. For himself to get better, he nodded his head.

“Oh...okay.”

Seungmin’s lights flash red in alarm as if he was in a state of emergency. This was supposed be a serious session with his psychiatrist but all he could think of was to-

Wait, _what?_

“Earth to Seungmin!” Hyunjin gently slapped his cheeks, snapped him from his reverie. “I haven’t said anything yet, and please stop staring at my lips. We can do that later!” He snorted cheekily after exclaiming the last part which left Seungmin blushing and speechless. “Okay.” Seungmin charily brought their eyes to meet again.

“Close your eyes.” Hyunjin softly mutters as he motioned circles with his thumbs on the latter’s cheekbones. “Now you’re falling into a deep sleep.”

And Seungmin did.

-=-

Once fear is incorporated into one’s life, it turns everything into a threat. Fear has its way of amplifying every single phobia, be it real or just a mental illusion. When one’s life feels threatened, they resort to means that may or may not bring detrimental effect to the people that either related to their fears or not.

But once it does, the actions are irreversible. Fear comes and goes whenever it wants to. But when it leaves at the most undesired times, it leaves a deep hollow in the scared hearts.

“How unfair.” Seungmin had thought. He was snuggling into his blanket which his grandmother quilted for him for his 10th birthday.

His grandmother was telling him another bedtime story, about a little girl who had left her house alone for the first time. She was enjoying her newfound discoveries when abruptly, fear crept into her and started to turn everything she sees into murky shadows of monstrous creatures. He had listened to several bedtime stories, some of them talked about overcoming fears and some talked about princes in castles. Seungmin had always wondered if fear was a real being and how fear managed to creep into little kids’ hearts into thinking that there’re monsters in your closet and a Mr. Boogie man is hiding underneath your bed.

He was 10, yet he was able to discern what was fictional and what was not, unlike most kids his age. They were still horrified by the talks of ghosts eating kids who still hadn’t slept when the clock strikes 12.

His grandmother was tucking him in bed, placing his stuffed puppy next to him. “Seungmin-ah, be a strong boy and fight evil, okay?” She had never failed to remind him that every night and Seungmin would nod his head, like an obedient boy he is. She passed away on the day Seungmin received his first badge. His parents weren’t that much excited about him being a cop as much as how his grandmother did, but he was content that he was able to fulfill her dying wish.

As he solved cases and captured many criminals, it was then that he realized. The pang of revelation had hit him too late. Seungmin’s eyelids flung open. He was on a bed, covered in a thick duvet as he lied in the comfortable darkness hugging him. There was no Hyunjin in sight, only him and the blackness. The monotonous routine life he had didn’t give him the answers he was looking for until he poked his nose into the abandoned mall case. He wasn’t scared of the monsters. He was scared of the thought of not being able to defeat them.

He didn’t care much if the fictional monsters, which he was often spooked by since he was smaller, that they would mold themselves into physical forms. In fact, he found that it’ll be easier to kill them because they were clearly in his vision and he could gain control over them. In the glamorous and successful life of the young inspector, Kim Seungmin there lied something void. It was null and unbecoming. It fitted no place into Seungmin’s life. Never once he let a case goes unsolved and a criminal goes free and unscathed. He was the pride and joy, the ace of the police department.

He got his first promotion but no one congratulated him. His parents were nowhere by his side, not even his sister. Before he realized it, the void grew larger until it became unbearable. He was suffocating although everything around him was nothing but air. He became too cautious in every step. When it came to fighting monsters, the ones in him, he couldn’t do it. It wasn’t as easy as chasing after a real criminal.

Fear was the last thing he expected to develop ever so rapidly inside of him because he had always thought cancer was going to get him first after his grandparents, who had died of the same cause. None of his family members had mental problems that he didn’t know that he was suffering from one. His grandmother had taught him a lot of things, about the world and humans’ perceptions yet she had never taught him how to fight the demons inside of him. She wasn’t cruel, she just knew that Seungmin already held on to the answer all along, giving him a bit of homework before she died.

_“Weak…”_

The voice reverberated, filling his headspace. His grandmother was no longer there, replaced with a large dark silhouette that grew bigger as he ran and ran and ran. He was no longer in the comfy bed.

 _Has his whole life been nothing but mendacity? Was his whole closet full of trophies and medals just his illusions? Were his achievements nothing but just his name stamped on flimsy, gold-bordered papers?_ Were they _nothing_? _Then, why did he got shot? Why did he die that easily?_

“One can simply expect so much, yet they are unbeknown of what lies in the future. With that, their bravado led them to their own demise.” The voice echoed.

Seungmin halted before a dead end. A tall wall stood before him and there was no way he could jump over it. He was also on his wit’s end. The voice echoed the same sentences but it changed its tone. It was painstakingly loud, suddenly it was high-pitched then it reverbed. Seungmin crouched down and covered his ears as he cowered. He couldn’t say that he lost even if he was fully aware that he already did.

In the midst of the clamor, he heard Hyunjin’s voice pronouncing every word. The other inhuman screeches stopped. Even if there were some subtle murmurs, he warded them off. For he had been told by Hyunjin to only listen to his voice and he promised not to let his focus deviate. Seungmin opened his eyes and his hands fell from his ears and onto his laps. The dark shadows that hovered around him disappeared into thin air. Seungmin was finally aware.

“But little did they knew, that the bravado was to mask away from their fear. Once it’s discarded, the fear can be confronted head-on. To which if it was let to roam, it’ll definitely kill you from within.” Seungmin blinked and racked his brain. He knew what he needed to do next. He was sure. He was never this sure in his whole life.

Not even when he had a hunch about where the criminals could be lurking. Not even when he threw the kidnappers in handcuffs behind the bars. Not even when he had told Felix that he wouldn’t die from a gunshot because even if he did would revive and catch the shooter himself. Not even when he had told his ill grandmother, “I’m not scared of anything. I’m the bravest.” His eyes flared with certainty, his feelings were defined. He rose to his feet and looked at the shadow that began to take the form of himself. It was like confronting his own twin.

“Seungmin, you need to embrace your fears,” Hyunjin said. His voice was all that Seungmin could hear. And Seungmin hoped with every fiber in his body that he managed to voice it out, from the deepest part of his soul to the loudness his vocal cords can get him.

“I have my fears. I am scared of not being able to save someone. I am scared of things that I can’t control and I now realize that I have no control over everything…”

The copy of him shot a smug smirk before it vanished. “…Including the bullet that managed to pierce into my system. So I’ll cast aside my ego, and embrace my fears.”

From the corner of his eyes, he could see the darkness falling apart. It was only him and Hyunjin’s soft voice guiding him. He felt like he was losing and winning at the same time but the exhilarating feeling was enough to let him know he done well. It was as if the heavy burden in his chest got lifted with all his might.

“I can simply expect so much, yet I have no idea about what lies in the future. With that, my own ego had led me to my own demise.” He screamed out the last sentence resembling a long deep breath he had been holding in.

“Nah.” He heard Hyunjin denied. Seungmin furrowed his eyebrows, “What?”

“Nope. You haven’t died yet.” Seungmin looked around at the blank space around him. He was so sure that he died because of all the abnormal episodes that occurred to him. Hyunjin cleared his throat.

“Now, wake up.”


	3. We're in different worlds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The terrible cycle that haunted Seungmin vanished, Hyunjin included. 
> 
> Or did he really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter gonna be long and one hell of a ride. 
> 
> I'm warning you, I've never written anything like this and this is my first time delving into a more...explicit genre. Eh but no worries, nothing bad ;)  
> don't expect too much from me ;-; as yall know, I just suck at it lmao just read la. 
> 
> warning : its cringeworthy as fuck, even I cant bring myself to read it :''

**T** he next time Seungmin’s eyes fluttered open, another bright light caught into his eyes. He was no longer on the rooftop or running away from dark shadows. He scanned his vicinity and could spot wires and tubes attached to him and an intravenous pole with a bag of fluid hanging beside him. He also spotted a machine that monitors heartbeats and some other contraptions that fitted the exact description of what a typical hospital ward would be.

But there was no Hyunjin. Not even a glimpse of him.

“Wait no…way! Seungmin? Can you hear me?” A lavender-haired male in his police jacket began to lean over to Seungmin who’s still lying down on his bed. His whole body felt heavy and he was technically tied down to his bed, unable to move. Seungmin gave him a weak nod.

“Mate, you’ve been in a coma for 3 months! We thought we were losing you…This is beyond miraculous.”

Felix squealed and slapped a hand over his mouth after realizing that they’re in a hospital. Seungmin only grinned warmly.

‘ _I’ve been out for 3 freaking months? It wasn’t just 3 days?’_ _More importantly, he was asleep and bedridden all these while?_

There was a moment of silence (embroidered with Felix’s sobs of elation) before Seungmin mustered every strength in him to speak. Felix wiped the corner of his eyes with the sleeves of his navy blue jacket before waiting for what the latter has to say.

“Fill me in.” Seungmin croaked. His throat felt dry yet his lips were moist and well cared for. Someone must’ve been applying lip balm on him and he could only guess it was Felix from the lip balm stick peeking out of his pocket. Felix’s eyes perked up to the first order he had gotten from his best friend after 3 months. “Yes, sir!”

And he began to talk continuously, eloquently explaining the latter about how he got there and even on the details of their previous case, only to stop if he needed to breathe.

“Oh, yeah!” Felix suddenly stood up in the middle of talking. “I need to inform our boss and the team. Oh and you can press the blue button to call for the nurse to help you up! I’ll be riiiight back.”

“Felix, wait-“ Before Seungmin could stop the latter, the freckled inspector had stormed out of the room. From the small clear glass panel, he could see Felix hopping gleefully.

He shook his head before hovering to the buttons beside him, in search of the blue button that Felix was referring to. His hand halted mid-way to his hips, before lifting his blue gown. There was a small patch of white bandage plastered on the left side of his stomach.

“So I did…get shot…” He tugged down his gown and sighed. He furrowed his eyebrows when a thought came to mind. _‘Why didn’t they aim for his vital organs?’_

That was far too strange for him to ignore. Plus, the fact that they were so close to him bothered him a lot. It was clearly deliberate. Even if his shooter had a bad sense of aiming, they wouldn’t be able to shoot right where it won’t be fatal for him. The only reason why he nearly got sent to the death’s door was that he lost too much blood before the paramedics got to him.

The fact of how the paramedics found him intrigued him as well. He was sure he was the only one left in the old, abandoned mall. The 4 other cops had evacuated the building as soon as they received the order from the higher-ups. The case apparently got too risky because they miscalculated how much people were hiding in there and underestimated their capabilities. He wondered if those words which he fought against in his dreams were really spoken out to him.

A nurse walked into his ward, with a tablet in her hands. She gasped as soon as she realized that Seungmin’s eyes were wide open and began to alert the doctor in charge. The doctor rushed in and flashed a light into Seungmin’s eyeballs, to which Seungmin reacted immediately. Seungmin smiled. He wasn’t dead. He was perfectly alive. His headspace felt clear. This time he felt pain and the warmth of the doctor’s touch. It wasn’t as cold and numb as when he was locked in the prison in his own head.

As he thought of warmth, his mind traveled to a certain familiar face and the warm pair of hands that he used to cup his face. The dazzling smile that lingered on his lips whenever he stared at him. The soft tone of his voice never ceased to cause Seungmin’s heart to feel fuzzy. The embodiment of beauty that was Hwang Hyunjin, captivated Seungmin’s once cold heart. He could melt in every soft touch of his. Hyunjin promised him that they would meet later. But he lied.

_He lied._ _Was he his hallucination as well? A side effect from his sedatives?_

If so, he wished to be sedated once again.

-=-

After a week, Seungmin eventually got discharged and was healthy enough to return home. His parents were crying nonstop upon seeing him standing at their doorstep with a ridiculous smile plastered on his face. They all had a tearful reconciliation and had dinner together after so long, catching up with each other like old times. His sister who was living with her husband overseas also flew home for him.

He felt blessed and glad. 3 months were short for him but it wasn’t for the people around him, and those people valued him a lot.

-=-

“Penny for your thoughts?” Felix’s deep voice snapped Seungmin out of his own world. He looked around and pinched his arm to make sure it was all real.

It was. He felt pain and he also didn’t skip.

Felix leaned his back on his swivel chair as he fiddled with a coffee-stained paper cup. “You seemed so out of it since the first moment you got here. What’s the matter?”

Seungmin rubbed his nape awkwardly and shot the other male a sheepish grin. He didn’t want to overwhelm Felix with the ludicrous adventures he went through during his coma and he didn’t want to sound crazy as well. But a certain man had been occupying his head for too long and it bothered him too much.

“Felix, I have something to ask.” Seungmin turned to face the latter. Felix threw his empty paper cup into the dustbin as he hummed. “Do you perhaps know anyone by the name…” Seungmin reluctantly pronounced, “Hwang…Hyunjin?”

Felix’s reaction was not to how Seungmin imagined he would. His eyes were widened, his lips parted in disbelief. He straightened his back and scrunched his forehead. The small candle of hope in Seungmin lit up. _So he was a real person?_

“How did you know 5302?” There was a glint of expectancy in Felix’s eyes. “I don’t think I mentioned him yet?”

_Why was Hyunjin addressed with a set of numbers they usually use on convicts?_

“What do you mean?” Seungmin gulped.

The miniature flame on his candle of hope died into a small puff of smoke. Felix grabbed the partition of their cubicles, pulling his chair closer to Seungmin.

“Seung, he was the one who shot you.”

Seungmin went blank. His heartbeat fast against his ribcage. His head was empty. His breathing became erratic.

.

.

.

_What…?_

-=-

Seungmin walked past a few cells, with vicious looking prisoners baring their teeth at him and glared as if his police badge were some kind of plague. The prisoners wore grey jumpsuits, collared, and buttoned to the top. The metal bars that kept them from the outside world were in a dull tone of white, the paint peeled off at random spots. The walls were kept in a depressing grey, the beds were only made of a thin mattress and a small, hard pillow.

“Yo, let us out of here.” He heard someone wailed but he chose to ignore and stride ahead until he halted before a cell which was occupied with a single person, who was also donning the similar dull tone of the gray jumpsuit and had black hair reaching his nape.

“Dude, look, he’s talking to the traitor.” He had heard someone shouted before the other inmates hollered with him. Seungmin rolled his eyes and pressed his heel on the tile-less floor.

All it took for the chaos to die down was a single glare from Seungmin. They were fully aware of the rumors speculating around the inspector, that he was fierce and the most persuasive during interrogations. The prison walls were thin and somewhere along the way, all of them found out that the only inspector they would prefer to avoid having contact with was none other than Inspector Kim Seungmin. On the contrary, Seungmin wasn't the least bit like those rumors (they tend to be more dramatic), he was actually a fluffball, a human version of a labrador. Honestly speaking, he was the fluffball in his family, his colleague, and, well, Hyunjin's eyes, no one else.

The raven-haired male was leaning his back on the wall, uncaring of the noise made because of him, with a book in his hand. He had somehow managed to talk the officers into giving him books (actually, he only needed to smile and he woke up the next day with a stack of philosophy books in front of his cell). The perks of being pretty.

“Inmate 5302.” He called out. His throat suddenly went dry and his hands began to tremble. He then squared his features to neutrality.

The man in the grey jumpsuit with his numbers stamped on a white piece of cloth, sewed on the left top part of his suit, placed down his book and stood up lazily. He stepped towards the metal bars, which separated him and the cop that called for him, with his head inclined on the floor.

“Yes…” He raised his head, his irises glimmered as soon as he saw him. “Oh, hi there.” Was he happy to see him or was he not?

Seungmin jumped in his skin. “H-Hi.” He felt dumb for stammering.

“So I won’t get hanged for murdering a cop. Interesting. How long will I be prisoned for, chief?” He gave him an insouciant grin. The wry tone in his voice was more than enough to tell that he couldn’t care less. _Is this a joke to him?_

Seungmin’s eyes darkened. “Why?”

The other male snickered as if he had heard a bad pun. “Why what? Why can mean a lot of things.”

“Why did you do it?” he balled up his fists. He was never the one to let emotions devour him, but today, was by far, the hardest moment for him to suppress it.

“Oh… the reason why I tried to kill you or…” Hyunjin gripped the bars, smirking. “The reason why I made you fall for me? Which one?”

From that moment, Seungmin realized that he had fallen into the criminal’s trap. From the enticing smile of his to his alluring voice; it pulled Seungmin into something he had never imagined he would easily fall into. Hyunjin was real. Hyunjin was there in his dreams. He was there to confirm it with his own ears.

“But you saved me…” The tears began to well in Seungmin’s eyes as his voice trailed off.

“Please don’t trust strangers and...” Hyunjin bit his lower lip before blooming into a menacing grin. “…Don’t fall in love too easily, _darling_.”

The last word stung Seungmin’s heart, it left an excruciating pain and a large hole. _Since when did he become this soft?_ From the dreams, they didn't appear as strangers at all. It was as if they had shared a bond even before they met. He sensed a familiarity with the other guy and even went to the extent of showing his weaknesses. He even trusted him. Or maybe he had misjudged.

“Explain so I understand.” Seungmin calmly asked. His knuckles went white from the pressure of gripping his coat too hard as he channeled his rage, confusion, disappointment, and devastation through his fists. The raven-haired male closed his eyes briefly displaying the beauty mark resting under his left eye.

“I fucking messed your head up, Seungmin! That’s what I did. Now you got your explanation, can you leave? I don’t want to fucking see your face.” He scowled, making sure the scornful tone was notable.

It was nowhere near stilted, for it was planned and crystal clear. Hyunjin was not acting and he didn't seem like he was not saying all that out of pretense. If there was any façade to conceal any of his guilt, Seungmin tried his best to tear it apart. But there was nothing. Hyunjin turned his back on him, huffed in exasperation. He could clearly sense the anger in the latter’s voice. He didn’t want Seungmin there. He was the one who shot him. Felix was right. The gentle Hyunjin whom he saw in his dreams, pulling him out of the void was absent. He didn’t exist. The hostility in the way Hyunjin brushed him away was evident enough.

“I see.” Seungmin let go of his coat and sighed. His tears streamed down his cheeks. “I’ll make sure you won’t be charged for attempted murder. Thanks to you, I’m alive and well, although the reason why I was dying was also you. But, I have forgiven you. We’ll let justice punish your crimes. “

Hyunjin couldn’t bring his face to face the latter. He clenched his teeth, keeping the dam from broken. It hurts more to keep yourself from crying than to just let the tears all out. Both of them were hurting. Hyunjin knew that Seungmin was out of reach. He had always known that. 

12 years of being enamored by Kim Seungmin. 12 years of loving him. 12 years of searching for his smile. 12 years were nothing if it meant to make Seungmin happy.

He had finally able to touch Seungmin, even though it was merely in an alternate universe, an illusion he created. He never fathomed how greed took over his heart. He was a criminal and Seungmin wasn’t. He thought he could taint the latter’s heart but he failed. He could hear the sound of Seungmin’s footstep gradually diminished. The dam finally willed itself to break. Hyunjin fell to his knees. His whole body shivered.

“Why do you always…always…make it so hard for me to let you go?”

-=-

_“Hey! Kim Seungmin!”_

_Seungmin was jogging towards the vending machine when a boy called out to him. He turned around to see a boy with his bangs covering his eyes, his white t-shirt was muddy and covered with dirt._

_Seungmin knew right away he needed to keep a safe distance from the boy. He ignored him and began to insert his money into the machine._

_How the boy knew his name was not something he bothered to find out._

_He pressed a button and the machine dispensed both the canned drink and his change. He counted his change and realized that it was enough for him to buy another drink._

_“What do you want, strange boy?” he asked, his fingers hovering on the multiple buttons on the machine._

_The boy scrunched his forehead. “We’re classmates, Seungmin! Don’t you remember me?”_

_“Grape juice, it is.” He pressed the button before another cool canned drink fell into the take-out port._

_He grabbed the drink and stretched out his hand to the dirty boy. “Yours.”_

_“Thank you, Seungmin.” The boy blushed as he took the drink and smiled. “Seungmin, can I tell you a secret?”_

_Seungmin looked around for his mother and found out that she was chatting happily with a few other moms._

_He decided to stay for a while with this boy. He can wash up later. He wondered if the boy was going to get himself into trouble with his mom later._

_“Sure. I can keep promises.” He stuck out his pinky before the other boy gingerly wrapped it around with his. He had no idea why, but something about the muddy boy, who claimed to be his classmate, drew him to listen to whatever he had to say._

_“I have a superpower.” The boy beamed proudly. Seungmin laughed. “There’s no such thing!”_

_The boy frowned as he stared at the droplets of water on his can. “There are!”_

_Seungmin stopped laughing and feigned interest. “Yea, yea, sure. What’s your superpower?”_

_“Promise you won’t tell anybody!”_

_“I promise!”_

_The boy’s lips curled into a wide smile, displaying his gleaming white teeth. “I can travel into people’s minds!”_

_Seungmin only blinked before he erupted into another laugh. “Cool one! I can make myself invisible!”_

_“Wait, really?!” The boy gaped in awe, his eyes sparkled in sheer hope. Seungmin stuck out his tongue playfully. “Hahaha, got you!”_

_The boy protruded his lips into a pout. “Hey, that’s not nice!”_

_“Okay okay, sorry!” He giggled. ”But I think your superpower is really awesome if it’s real, that is.” He grinned._

_“You think so?”_

_“Yes.” Seungmin warmly smiled. “It’s a wonderful gift. You should treasure it.”_

-=-

Hyunjin jolted up from his slumber, pearls of cold sweat sticking on his temples. It has been a while since he had seen the precious memory flashed in his dreams. He was sleeping on the cold, concrete floor for he was unable to stay calm on the thin mattress. He had always treasured the moment when he first met Seungmin. The moment his heart fluttered for the first time. The moment he got his first butterflies.

The other kids in his previous school were treating him like a monster. They rejected any sleepovers that had Hyunjin in it, feared that Hyunjin will travel into their dreams, turning them into nightmares. Seungmin was the first not to judge his curse. He even called it a gift. Hyunjin learned to accept that _gift_. Turning dreams into nightmares was something he had been doing until he had met Seungmin again.

He was raised by a group of skilled criminals, a rebellion to overthrow the government of some sort, a bunch of anarchists. Hyunjin was not holding on to any of their beliefs, he had no stands but he stayed with them. For the sake of returning the favor of taking him in when his own parents threw him away after he accidentally stepped into their dreams and brought out a secret that neither of them wanted to unravel.

In his team, there was a middle-aged man who was adept in hypnotism and had a similar ability as him. He had taught him to properly use his ability and control when and how he can travel into people’s unconscious minds. His ability was, however, only limited to trespassing dreams. He had been traveling into many innocent people’s dreams, injecting fear in their hearts. He had witnessed the darkest part of humans’ hearts, more than his fingers could count. He learned how to use a gun and ended up joining the troop to overtake the police. The last time he had caught a glimpse of Seungmin was when they were in high school before Hyunjin had to be on the run again. He had never expected Seungmin to be a cop, let alone to be in charge of the case.

He never wished to pull the trigger. He never wanted to shoot the other male in the first place. But things turned out ugly when the leader of Hyunjin’s team was aiming his gun right at Seungmin’s head. Losing Seungmin was not on his list of options, even if it meant he had to betray his team. Then he released the bullet, reluctance heavily tugging on his heart, called the paramedics, and turned himself in. Even his team couldn’t stop him.

When he found out Seungmin was in a state of coma, he took his chances. He knew he was being selfish but somehow he knew Seungmin needed his help, that he was suffering on his own. He had pledged to himself that he will help. As much as he can. But he couldn’t bear for Seungmin to fall in love with a criminal. He deserved someone better.

Someone that was not…him. He didn’t mind if Seungmin hated him. That had been his plan from the beginning, which he had strayed.

-=-

“What are you doing here?” Hyunjin grimaced at Seungmin, who was leaning his back on the metal bars. Seungmin clicked his tongue. “You’re going to be released.”

That was uncalled for. Hyunjin was sure that he had presented his testimony, listing every single heinous crime he had committed before the judges. He described every single dream he had intruded, replacing them with the things they were scared of the most. Some of the victims even ended up losing their sanity, fallen off their rockers. Their mental state was never the same. Hyunjin wasn't proud of everything he did, in fact, he was ashamed of it. The things he had to do to make ends meet. He was paid handsomely for every job and he also managed to return the favor of those who had taken care of him. 

“So? I still don’t get why.”

Seungmin had parted his hair, displaying his forehead in full view. He had been told he looked prettier this way, and he loved it. He never put extra effort into making himself look good, but today was an exception. Hyunjin spotted the change in the other's looks but bit back the smile.

“Because your crimes were related to mind travels and most of the crimes you did were before you reached 18 so, the court ruled to send you to the special ability facility instead. You’re gonna meet a lot of people there. The place looks nice, I looked it up.” Seungmin beamed.

For some reason, their previous discussion was forgotten. A fleeting thought came to Seungmin’s mind. _If only they weren’t a cop and a criminal, would they become friends? Just like what happened in his dreams?_ He shook his head. He really needed to stop thinking about those ludicrous dreams.

Hyunjin ran a hand in his black hair. “What a nuisance.” He didn’t need any lessons or classes for his ability. He gained full mastery of everything he needed to know. It was a stupid (and time-consuming move) but he had no choice but to oblige.

“How did you do it?” Seungmin abruptly asked. “How did you mess with my head?”

“I walked in and altered your dreams. That’s all. You basically control your own actions. All I did was using your deepest fears against you and created those lapses.” Hyunjin explained, matter-of-factly. He made sure he wasn’t sugarcoating, to get his points across.

But what Seungmin had requested him to do next had caught Hyunjin off-guard.

“Can you do it again?” His question was shot in nonchalance.

Hyunjin widened his eyes and staggered back. “You want me to walk into your dreams? No, I can’t-“

The loud shake of the metal bars interrupted Hyunjin from rambling for excuses. Something was burning in Seungmin’s dark eyes but it was something none of them can figure out.

“Please.” He muttered, half-pleadingly. “Just one more time.” Hyunjin only stared him dead in the eyes, without moving an inch. How can he look away from those eyes?

-=-

Shaking himself to wake in the middle of every night had turned into a routine for Seungmin. He would try to open his eyes but the ceiling of his bedroom was all that he sees after a week of trying. Sometimes he would even go as far as pricking the tip of his thumb with a needle and anticipated the numbness. But he still felt pain, disappointing enough, with the flow of his blood. He tried searching for him for many nights, yet to no avail.

Tonight was one of those nights where Seungmin’s effort went futile again. He stared emptily at his plain ceiling, surrounded by the darkness of his bedroom and the subdued glow from the streetlight seeping through his curtains. The soft ticking of the alarm clock resting on his bedside table occupied the silence.

 _“Don’t fall in love with strangers.”_ Hyunjin had said. A question wandered in his head, in search of an answer.

“Did I literally fall for him?” Seungmin mused on the ceiling, stretching his arms above him. He joined his thumbs and index fingers to form the finger frame, therefore isolating the single light bulb.

Suddenly his mind traced back to Hyunjin’s sweet smile and the way he always softened his gaze and tone when talking to him as if he mattered. He recalled the way Hyunjin’s voice guided him in his own maze of memories and helped him escape his own black tunnel of fear. He recalled the way Hyunjin warmly touched his face, the way their eyes met as if they were in their own little world. He could feel his face warm. The beating of his heart became rapid and his breathing was erratic.

Was that even possible? For someone to fall in love in a matter of days? They weren’t even days, they were short seconds. It was too short, too fast for Seungmin to declare that he was in love but it didn’t change the fact that he longed for the latter. He missed him. Hyunjin’s warmth and presence were too…addicting and had left him hollow. That was all that he knew of.

-=-

The police station was bustling with people reporting about their noisy neighbors, some were assaulted by some street gang, some got caught up in a school fight and got too carried away that it got physical and some were victims from multiple robbery cases. There wasn’t much for division 1 to do because there were hardly any crucial cases that needed their attention. Division 2 handled most of the smaller, easier cases and they’re working their hardest at the moment.

Seungmin was re-reading a case file that he had received a few days prior when he felt someone prodding his shoulder. He didn’t bother to look up from the file. “What is it, Felix?”

The lavender-haired male gulped as he squirmed restlessly in his seat. He was making inexplicable noises, probably inaudible mumbles, that Seungmin closed the file and turned to face the latter.

“Spit it out.” He deadpanned.

Felix bit his lower lip before scratching his head. “Do you remember 5302?”

It was as if the time froze around him for a split second. His eyes were everywhere but on Felix. The last time he had seen Hyunjin was 2 months ago before he got sent to the facility. For the first time, he was grateful for his work piles, he had been occupying himself with just that to distract himself from thinking about Hyunjin. He did succeed but it didn’t last too long. Felix somewhat made it worse now that he suddenly brought up his name out of nowhere.

“What about him?” Seungmin tried to sound neutral and uninterested. He returned to reading the case file but none of the words got into his head.

“Actually, he traveled into my dreams before he left.”

Seungmin stopped reading. “And?”

Felix pursed his lips into a thin line before answering, “He told me to relay to you a message, but I didn’t know what it meant so….but! But I wrote it down!”

“What did he say?”

Felix took out a piece of crumpled paper from the pocket of his shirt before reading it, “Wait for me.”

“Huh?” 

“Okay, I think it was pretty dumb to write it down but I didn’t know what it meant so I was afraid that I’ll forget! So,...Seungmin? Are you…crying?”

Yes, he was and he felt stupid for crying over a small message. It was better than nothing at all. “If he comes again, tell him I’ll wait. I’ll always wait.”

-=-

A year had passed. He continuously worked on cases, passed it over to someone else when he thought it might take a toll on him. After what had happened a year ago, he became more aware of his choices. Whenever he felt scared, he’ll take some time to calm himself down and sort out his thoughts. He was no longer in a state of denial like he was in the past. Embracing his weaknesses was a part of growing up which he forgot to do and he was glad someone had helped him realize that.

His colleagues told him that he looked more relaxed even when they were put under intense pressure and that he was less rigid now. Seungmin was glad that he changed for the better.

“You look like you’re happy, for just being you,” Felix told him the other day, over a cup of tea in the quaint café he saw in his dreams.

The café was real after all. He and Felix frequented when there wasn’t much work on their plates and when they needed some time off to leisurely chat. The café served the best strawberry shortcakes, much to Seungmin’s delight.

They were working on a case and Felix and some other officers left to visit the crime scene. Seungmin stayed back to revise the reports that were made regarding the case.

He was scrunching his forehead absentmindedly, as he scrutinized every word. However, after the third report, his sleep-deprivation began to kick in. He drank too much coffee yesterday and this morning that he felt like another cup would send him straight to the doctor’s door. His head began to throb in pain as he forced himself to read. The words on his computer screen doubled that Seungmin gave up and laid his head on his desk, burying his face into his arms.

He closed his eyes as he let sleep claimed him.

-=-

“Oh, god. I dozed off.” He massaged the back of his neck, aching due to sleeping in the same position for too long. There was no one now in the division, except for him.

He checked his phone, to check the time and his messages. Some messages were from Felix informing him that he had to return home immediately after visiting the scene because something urgent came up and also his mother asking him if he had taken his meal yet. It was already 10 pm.

He stretched out his sore arms and yawned. After contemplating whether he should stay for the night or return home and continue his sleep on his comfortable bed, he opted for the latter. He needed a break after not sleeping for 3 days straight, and he felt sluggish as is. Seungmin shoved his phone in his pocket as he walked towards the switches to turn the lights off until he heard footsteps growing louder towards his direction. He rested his hand on his gun on his hip. Whoever the footsteps belonged to moved too stealthily, alerting Seungmin to be extra cautious. Once the footsteps stopped and he could feel a presence behind him, he whipped around and aimed his gun at someone who was standing only a step away from him.

The owner of the footsteps held up his hand. “This brought back memories, right, _darling_?”

Seungmin’s grip weakened immediately. His gun dropped on to the floor. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He was speechless. 

When Seungmin stood still, unmoving, the other male wrapped him into a warm embrace. Seungmin kept his arms to his side, clueless and enthralled. Hyunjin finally traveled in his dream. After so _damn_ long.

“Why do you always make it hard for me to let you go?” Hyunjin rested his chin on the latter’s head. His fluffy hair was still there and it made Hyunjin happy. “Why did you wait?”

A momentary silence before Seungmin muffled in Hyunjin’s thick coat. “I don’t know.” He mumbled as his cheeks pinked. “I just felt like I needed to wait for you.”

Hyunjin’s cheeks were pink as well.

“Then why did you try to drive me away?” Seungmin asked in a low voice. “After all…that.”

Hyunjin’s smile faded. “I don’t know. I never expected my flirting skills worked that well on you and I tried to make you hate me but...well I'm the one who ended up not able to do it.” Then his smile returned with a laugh. Seungmin huffed as his face turned into a darker shade of red.

“Tell me.” He freed Seungmin from his tight hug before cupping his face and squished his cheeks. “Do you still get scared?”

Seungmin stared into Hyunjin’s eyes as if his life depended on it. He had always waited for this moment, for him to gaze into Hyunjin’s sparkling eyes again. He couldn't believe that he was the same person that was so cold to him a year ago. It was somehow the Hyunjin he knew was back from the dead. He was confused but he didn't feel like pondering on it too much.

“I do, sometimes, but it wasn’t as bad as in the past.” It was true, to a certain degree. He developed a new fear, though. Fear of losing someone and there wasn't much he can do to cope with that.

His answer made Hyunjin bloomed into a warm smile. If that was all that it took for him to see that smile again, he would be more than willing to answer them every single day.

“Oh, yeah. I think I kinda owed you something.” Hyunjin dragged his thumbs to circle the back of Seungmin’s ears. Seungmin raised an eyebrow. “W-what..?”

Hyunjin drew his face closer and Seungmin’s eyes fluttered shut. The raven-haired male chortled when he grabbed a plastic bag from the desk behind Seungmin with two smaller boxes inside. He dangled the plastic bag by the handle. “Strawberry shortcakes!”

Seungmin opened his eyes upon hearing the rustle of plastic. His face reddened. “Oh…” He didn’t mean to sound disappointed but when he realized that he did, he widened his eyes. “Were you expecting something else, Seungmin?” Hyunjin shot a playful smirk. “No, I’m not!” He denied, rather too defensively.

Hyunjin leaned down and sealed their lips together. Seungmin had fallen in too deep before he can catch himself. Hyunjin would be lying if he wasn't flustered by his own bold move. They were each other's firsts, after all. Hyunjin had to juggle between finishing his degree and _work,_ he barely had time to have crushes. Well, he could but he didn't give himself a chance to because Seungmin had occupied a large part of his heart. Seungmin, on the other hand, had a fair share of crushes but he never really confessed because he just thought those feelings were trifling and evanescent. It wasn't as deep and profound as this.

So it was true. Seungmin did fall in love, in a matter of seconds and he didn’t care if it contradicted his logic.

The kiss was brief but sweet. It was short but enough. When Hyunjin pulled back, a warm smile lingered on his swollen lips. Seungmin tried to remove the gap between them again that was barely there until the other male placed his index finger on the latter's lips.

“I don’t think I can hold myself back if we continued and—“ Hyunjin lifted the plastic bag. “We have cakes!”

-=-

“Say, Hyunjin, how did you know I liked strawberry shortcakes?” Seungmin moved around his kitchen, looking for mugs to pour the warm tea in.

They were in Seungmin’s apartment, after pondering that they needed tea to go along with the cakes. Seungmin had never brought anyone to his home, and Hyunjin being his first made him a bit nervous. He was relieved his house was kept clean and tidy before he left.

Hyunjin set the plate of cakes carefully on the table, along with two small forks. “Oh about that…I kinda looked into your memories and found out. But, no worries, I didn’t peek too much! I only knew that you liked these and…”

“And?”

“And that you framed the picture of our classmates from elementary school.”

Seungmin placed down two mugs of warm tea. He only stared at Hyunjin, bemused until he suddenly remembered about one of the pictures he saw in his dreams. He rushed towards the shelves with succulent plants, and there it was, a picture of him smiling with his classmates and their teacher at a field. He still wasn’t sure why he framed it but somehow he did. Other pictures on the shelves were either picture of his family or pictures of him receiving awards. A distant memory that he never knew existed somehow got unlocked.

“So, you see… I don’t know if you remembered…but in the park—“

And the memory was of a certain dirty young boy who approached him with the brightest smile and a secret to tell. Nobody really approached him in such a way that that boy did so it was an event he couldn’t forget. The moment he remembered, he was beyond ecstatic.

“That was you?!” Seungmin raised his eyebrows. “The muddy boy?”

“Yeah, that was me. Oh, you still remembered.” The corner of Hyunjin’s lips curled up into a grin.

Seungmin laughed as he took a seat before Hyunjin. “Of course. It’s a beautiful memory.” And it definitely was, and still is.

Hyunjin’s face reddened and he stopped nibbling at the piece of cake on his fork. His first memory with Hyunjin was…. _beautiful_? _It was beautiful?_

_It was beautiful?!?!!!_

“It…is…?” Hyunjin tentatively searched for the latter’s face. Once he spotted the sincerity in his eyes, he grinned bashfully. “Yes, it is.”

Seungmin scooped out a large chunk of cake and let his tongue marveled at the sweet taste of the cake. The subtle sourness of the fresh strawberries and the light and airy taste of the whipped cream ignited his sweet tooth and excited his taste buds. The fluffy and soft sponge cake had enough taste of vanilla, not to overpower the strong taste of strawberries. He was on cloud 9.

Hyunjin smiled thoughtfully and decided he would buy any type of cakes, anything that Seungmin’s little heart desired if he could see that adorable expression again. “Is it good?”

Then Seungmin’s smile faltered. A realization hits. “Hyunjin.” His voice suddenly went serious which sent a shudder in Hyunjin’s spine. “Y-Yes?”

He wasn’t supposed to taste the cake, for it was supposed to be a dream. He was supposed to feel numb and nothing. He wasn’t supposed to taste anything.

“We’re not in a….dream?”

Hyunjin snorted in relief and removed any negative thoughts that came to mind. “Oh…No.“ He rested his face on his chin and shot a knowing grin. “Try pinching your cheeks.” And he did. He felt pain. The pinch sent pain. He felt pain. He felt pain. It was real.

It wasn’t a dream. Hyunjin was real, right before him, healthy and smiling. The kiss was real, his touch was real and everything else was…real. Hyunjin didn’t travel into his dreams but he traveled into his reality.

Seungmin rose to his feet and padded towards Hyunjin who still had his endearing gaze on him. His eyes were glimmering like the time he first started into it on the rooftop. The stars were there, glowing in unison and proud.

“I walked into your dream because… I’ve always wanted to hold you. I wanted to be the one to save you because even back then, you often feel scared. When we were kids, you told the other kids that you were brave and you told them there weren’t any monsters underneath our beds. But your eyes…they said otherwise. You were scared, darling. But, you couldn’t say it because you wanted to protect our friends.”

Seungmin’s heart raced as he attentively listened to every word and his hands gently stroking Hyunjin’s black locks. He never knew he brought that much comfort and impact on people. He had always thought he was just someone passing by in his life. “You told me my curse was a gift, I loved that and I love you.”

Seungmin crouched down and wrapped an arm around the latter’s neck. If then, his voice was all that he could hear, this time, it was the ghost of the latter’s smile that he could ever see. There was nothing else that mattered. “It’s crazy but…” A smile bloomed on his lips. “Me too.”

“You don’t mind dating an ex-convict?” Hyunjin jokingly replied and laughed breathily. “I even sh-“

“I don’t mind.” He was sure that he wanted Hyunjin more than Hyunjin wanted him. “You don’t mind dating a cop?” They both chuckled.

“I don’t mind.” Hyunjin pursed his lips into a thin line. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For accepting me.” Hyunjin smiled before crushing their lips together. They were finally out of the woods and succeeded in fighting those demons together. Seungmin was glad that before he lost himself, he found Hyunjin first. Time may not be on their side, but Hyunjin was glad he took his time and Seungmin was glad he waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeay you finished! thanks for reading omg T^T 
> 
> oh and also, I'm sorry if I got too carried away and emotional because this fic this time... it kinda hits home too much. Each and every fic I write does HAHAHAH but this one is... by far the most I can relate to. In all seriousness, I think I kinda improved my writing..(?) but I have to admit I still sound rather stiff
> 
> anyways thanks luvies


	4. from the author

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nothing much, just the author explaining some things because this lil sh** decided to write something that even she was confused about lmao

okay i actually wanted to insert this in my end notes but i figured that t'll too long so i ended up adding another chapter (sorry for getting your hopes up:'D ) okay anyways, i may need to clarify some things because apparently the 2nd chapter was rather too ...ambiguous.

it actually depends on how you think itll be tbh, but here's my pov (but you're free to have your own ideas) :

you saw felix in seungmin's first dream right? it wasn't actually a first dream (i didnt mention it directly but if you squint hard enough, you'll notice). seungmin had went through multiple lapses until the part where he was in the cafe with felix. But his memories kept vanishing until hyunjin came and tied it all together. hyunjin made a little intro by using felix, and finally appeared himself on the next episode.

you remember? the "you have to meet dr Hwang part"? yea that's it.

so from the moment before and until he met felix in his dreams were just his memories acting on their own (creating traumatic psychological loops in seungmin's head, bringing him to random moments in his life) until hyunjin came and altered them.

and that's why the lapses from then on, only had hyunjin in it until seungmin had to face his fears. hyunjin was controlling how his dreams gonna go from there until he decides when it'll end.

oh and btw about the thing went on repeat for a few times in the story (the voice, the bravado, demise and all that shit), that's just seungmin's auditory hallucination (it's not from hyunjin) 

so that pretty much covered up abt hyunjin's powers and seungmin's problem.

sorry hahah ik this explanation is unnecessary but i just felt like putting it out there, you know (*nudges and winks*) so do you think the ending is good enough or should i do a sequel 🤔🤔 (oh and i might go on a tiny hiatus until my assignments are done *sobs at a corner*

so i hope this clarified everything or if you're still confused, don't ask me because I'm pretty confused as well. :'D (nah jk)

thanks for the reads, comments and kudos *bows* *flying kithes*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay time to return to reality  
> (spoiler alert : its boring as f***)


End file.
